For three hours today I scrubbed the floors. On hands and knees, changing the water in my bucket too many times to count. My poor dog Sukha drools uncontrollably and goes into full body shaking/trembling fits at the slightest hint of thunder in the distance. It's summer in New England, there is always a hint of thunder in the distance. My floors were bad. Really bad. On top of that I was just cranky. I had plans to hang with Emily this afternoon. We were going to head down to the library, then make some jam. Our plans were cast aside as one neighborhood friend showed up, then another. They're great kids, I just wanted a day with my kid, and only my kid. I was feeling crabby and bitchy and wanting to get the hell out of this urban locale and head for the hills. I wanted there to be a small forest between myself and my closest neighbor. I wanted total privacy, just for one day. Instead, the kids played while I scrubbed the floors. Maybe we'll walk down to the library tomorrow.
As I washed the floors I thought a lot about balance, how I find it, and how easily it can slip away if I'm not careful. I try every day to maintain a healthy balance in my life, my heart. But sometimes, when I turn my head for a moment, things get all lumpy and scattered, thrown here and there. I thought about how inspired I've been this month with Erin's 30 Days of Happiness. How I'm over the top in love with her 365 Set. I don't think I've ever seen a more expressive collection of self portraits. I've always loved Erin's fabulous blog, but lately I feel like I'm hearing her truest, wisest voice come through her words and images.
At a certain point in the late afternoon I decided to turn my attitude around, get over myself, send the kids to their respective homes and have a little one on one with my girl. I brewed up a batch of iced coffee, made mine a double, and set her up too. Why not. We chilled on the deck, talked about how six days out of the week it's great to have a constant flow of kids in and out of here, handing out frozen chocolate bananas and all, but sometimes you (I) just want to be alone and not have the doorbell ring in the middle of lunch, just sometimes. You know, to keep the balance. Here's what I'm thinking... a la Erin's 30 Days of Happiness as well as other "30 Day" projects that I am too tired to link to right now... I'd like to record two photos a day for a month (or so), intending to capture the balance in my days. Sitting with chaos, sitting with joy, finding a steady, reliable, safe connection between the two. I'm hoping my images will remind me daily that no matter what, no matter if I am handed sweet or sour grapes as the sun rises, there can always be (at least) a moment of balance before the end of the day. Even if it's a little balancing pranyama while cozied up in bed.
My camera isn't anything special, I won't be amazing you with my picture taking prowess during this project. My hope is to look back on these days and see with my eyes that yes, indeed, I was able to capture the balance, the yin and yang of my life. That I will be able to reflect, feel joy and count my blessings on those days when I just want to run to the hills.
I think I'll start this on Monday, maybe sooner, likely on Monday.